


Up All Night to Get (Un)Lucky

by dreamingHierophant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Another References, Awkward Dirk, Callie And Dirk Are Huge Weeaboo Dorks, Community: homesmut, Computers, Domestic Fluff, Domestic nonsense, Everyone Is Poly Basically, Gen, Goofy Bullshit, Harry Potter References, Homestuck Kink Meme, I don't even know okay shut up, Implied/Referenced Fetishes, Implied/Referenced Harry Potter Characters Being Nothing But Flesh Shells For Unicorns, Implied/Referenced Oviposition, Implied/Referenced Pornography, Look You Know Goddamn Well Rose Has A Tumblr, Manga & Anime, Multi, Not Quite Mangaka Dudebros, Online Friendship, Only One Dudebro, Polyamory, Post-Sburb, Puella Magi Madoka Magica References, Secretly Kinky Calliope, Shitty Harry Potter Fic References (Again), The Strider-Pyrope-Vantas-Harley JengaJam, This Is STUPID, fanfic about fanfic, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 00:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6777289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingHierophant/pseuds/dreamingHierophant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dirk has hell of computer issues/plays matchmaker, Calliope is revealed to be a big ol' pervert, and it's implied that the future of entertainment is a heavily edited version of an incredibly shitty fanfiction featuring hot unicorn on wizard action/violence. </p><p>Also there's animes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Up All Night to Get (Un)Lucky

\-- (01:26) timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] ! --

TT: So I’m going to take it from your Twitter feed going insane with emotions that you finished Madoka.  
UU: oh, the credits of the movie may be rolling, dirk love, bUt trUst me when i say i am not at all *finished* with this series.  
UU: althoUgh i may need a slight break to recover my emotions from whence it left them SCATTERED ABOUT. ;u;  
TT: I fuckin’ know, right?  
TT: It's a goddamn emotional rocketboard and just when you think there’s no flips left it can do, boom, check out these icky moves, the dude has got no mercy.  
TT: Your feelings are the metaphorical puppet and this anime is boppin’ your ass around like an out-of-control Kermit the Frog.  
UU: it’s trUe! and yet i can’t help bUt adore it. ;u;  
UU: not to mention its setting is absolUtely RIFE with, erm, specUlative potential, given the natUre of wishes therein. :U  
TT: Oh, totally so. It's good shit.  
TT: Some of the extant fanfiction for it? I actually didn’t start editing immediately with wild abandon, and you know my threshold for that particular biznas is, to use the vernacular, “mad low”.  
UU: hoho, qUite. ^u~  
UU: oh! who was yoUr favoUrite character???  
UU: we mUst keep track of sUch for fUtUre cosplay options, yoU know. ^u^  
TT: Mine? Hm… Even toss-up between Mami and Homura, but Mami in the end.  
TT: Which I suppose is hell of predictable, given some pretty inescapable thematics of mine.  
TT: I kinda felt for Kyubey, too, oddly enough.  
TT: Guy’s just trying to make a living, you know? It ain't his fault anentropic energy comes with a real hefty price tag.  
UU: oh, fie! even if his work is to be taken for granted as a necessity, sUch artless deception hardly was. >:U  
UU: not to mention that at the very tail end of things he qUite hoist himself by his own petard. upu  
TT: Heh. Yeah, fair point on that.  
TT: Did you have a fave? I know you sometimes can’t decide, but I had this inkling this time.  
UU: well…hUm…oh, i did love them all, bUt there’s jUst something aboUt dear madoka herself that speaks to me. *u_u*  
TT: Yep. Totally called it.  
TT: The ep she pulls out the sketchbooks, I’m like, “that’s basically Callie, right there.”  
UU: *›p‹*!!  
UU: i don’t know if i coUld convincingly pUll off her oUtfit, thoUgh, it’s probably UnsUitable in my case.  
TT: Nonsense!  
TT: Man, from a totally unbiased perspective, Callie, you could rock that shit.  
TT: You could probably rock it harder than Rox, and pink’s kind of her whole color schema.  
TT: Tell you what, you agree to at least give it a try, I will do my goddamnedest to pull off Mami.  
TT: I will shave my legs and rock a corset and miniskirt for our mutual endeavor here.  
UU: ohhhh...very well then!  
UU: bUt rest assUred i shan’t forget a promise sUch as that, dear dirk. ~u~  
TT: A pact of mutually assured boundary destruction.  
TT: …  
TT: Do you think Dave would like the series at all?  
TT: I mean, I thought it might be kinda his jam, but the time shit might make it a little too real, y’know?  
TT: The last thing I want to do is screw up on that front.  
UU: oh, no, i qUite Understand. u_u  
UU: hUmmm…well it can’t qUite really be given with warnings lest one rUins the whole initial experience, can it?  
UU: maybe show it to roxy first, or john, and they’ll sort of disseminate the word.  
UU: or start him off on something a little more mild, fUllmetal alchemist or disc world.  
TT: Man, how did I not consider Disc World? Such a classic.  
TT: Prachett-san broke the manga-fire crucible with that one.  
TT: I always wondered what a second season, maybe a two-coeur run, might have looked like for it, or Madoka, or like any of the others from the end times…  
TT: But moot point because pretty much all of Asia got turned into smoking craters or monster chow.  
UU: sUch a pity. u_u  
UU: perhaps the dear mayor might be able to commission a modern continUance of artistically meritorioUs works? >u>  
TT: A definite possibility, though we shouldn’t hit up civic funds too hard.  
TT: Apparently filming for Midnight Crew Adventures is takin’ pretty mad amounts of the old boondollar?  
TT: Course, some of that is because Jack’s a prima donna from Off-Broadway hell and wrecks his damn robot arm every other week.  
TT: I finally caved and got Tholluxth to help me with biocircuitry on this one, so it might last the month. We’ll have to see.  
UU: oh, my sympathies. i think DD and kanaya did finally get throUgh to him he oUght to be less roUgh on the costUmes, from what jade told me last.  
TT: Oh, shit, Rose and Kan would fucking love Madoka. They would eat this up.  
TT: Rose would probably get like three Tumblr essays outta the movie alone, I have got to make sure they get it.  
UU: oh oh, absolUtely so! yes! ^u^

  
Dirk: Set up a torrent.  


Man, like you weren’t already doing that. And looking up how to put together Mami’s awesome hat in another tab. (Yaldabaoth’s search features are dope as hell. Say what you will about the Denizen, man, his browser isn’t one you’d trade in for pretty much anything.) 

You catch yourself smiling pretty hard at that whole conversation, and attempt to pare it down to your standard stoic expression. Nope. Nonstarter. You blame it on Callie’s infectious enthusiasm. She just gets so excited about all of this. 

You hadn’t really meant for this to end up a Thing, you and her nerding out over your mutual love of fandom horseshit, speculation, and the animes. Really, you mostly did the first anime night over at her, John, and Roxy’s place by way of apology. An apology she assured you was unnecessary, and maybe it actually was, since there wasn’t that much in the general direction of fuck-all you _really_ could’ve done to save her from Caliborn’s murderous predomination. And at the time you didn’t take him seriously, like at all. 

Still. 

You felt bad for basically fiddling like a Neroesque pseudo-pornographer while he burned Rome down around her. It made you feel a little bit more like an asshole, and that’s a look you’re trying to shed. 

Anyway. You sorta peace-offering’d some of the old animu, as that stuff seemed to be right up both of the cherubs’ alley and Calliope had basically been bouncing in her seat the whole time. 

(You’re pretty sure it was some goofy kawaii shit like Digimon or Escaflowne or something? You actually forget, though. Her tastes were, right off the bat, way different from Caliborn, who, you hate to admit, was someone you could share some pretty visceral gems with. Like _Another_ , dude loved _Another_. He even expressed admiration for Mei Misaki, something about “ THAT’S THE KIND OF AUDACIOUS STRUMPET. YOU GOTTA HAVE AT LEAST ONE OF AROUND. TO KEEP THE OTHERS IN LINE. YOU KNOW?" Which was terrible, a lot of what came out of his mouth was terrible, but.)  
  
And then the fanfic-sharing had started. And the beta-reading. And then she actually sketched your terrible Ghost in the Shell OC (so you had to try and draw Sailor Calliope, only fair). And then…okay by the time you were scouring the Internet for bad fanfiction from before the Fall to revise into straight up masterpieces, you were pretty much official partners in total fucking dorkery. 

(Maybe you should feel like a dick about the fic edits, since all these keyboard jockeys are now pretty much guaranteed skeleton victims of the Condesce’s xenocidal reign, but come ON with some of this shit, okay? Time and tides did not improve www.fanfiction.net in the god damn _least._ You are rescuing the legacy of such as dumb wizard stories.) 

Oh. Speaking of wizards. 

TT: Oh hey, though.  
TT: We should probably finish our last project’s worth of “buggering about”, I mean we were really close to actually finishing this one.  
TT: And you know our loyal readership of Roxy, Rose, and possibly Casey (if she can even fuckin’ read) are on tenterhooks waiting to see how “In This Foal and the Next: An Oral History of the Wizard-Unicorn War” will turn out.  
TT: Can’t disappoint our loyal subscribers here, right?  
UU: oh, one rather sUpposes not!  
UU: Um...where had we left off, again?  
UU: i recall we had a finished version for chapter 78, wherein it's revealed that neville’s body was host to the grand exarch of all Unicorn-kind…  
UU: and chapter 79 we delegated…  
UU: so chapter 80, then! delightfUl!  
UU: do we like “the ziggUrat ascendant” for a chapter or act title? OuO  
TT: Yes. Yes we do.  
TT: I think we could even start with the titular fortress rising up from the depths beneath Hogwarts, cracking the castle from beneath and giving off the most furious whinnies of the damned from within.  
TT: Naturally they have to evacuate, but Hermione heads for the tallest tower, oh shit. What's up with that?  
TT: Although wait, do they know yet?  
UU: her lovers have each sUrmised *what* she is, bUt not at all whom.  
UU: they were too bUsy tending to ron's time cUrse what harry thoUghtlessly stUck him with. :U  
UU: the reveal oUght to sUrprise everyone ever so mUch! :U  
TT: Fucking excellent. Let's make this an Ascension in more ways than one.  
TT: Though before I get too into it, I remember you said you'd put together some more notes on the Chromaticus Engine and unicorn military tactics from the days of the Grimhorn Empire.  
TT: Also some more sketches of the High Exarch (Hell. Fucking. Yes.)  
TT: So you can send those to me whenever if you want.  
UU: ah, yoU're right! ^u^ i’ll do it straightaway!  
UU: here we go!  
uranianUmbra is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
Downloading…  
Complete!  
UU: blUh! dammit! not the whole bloody  
UU: wait  
UU: oh NO  
UU: oh, tUpping liberty. XU  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Yeah, I think this is the wrong folder.

  
===>  


You are almost positive Calliope did not mean to send you this folder at all. Ever. 

Inside this folder there is not a collection of assorted text files with your familiar naming schema and Calliope’s more esoterically titled commentary docs/some rad artwork. No, there's a set of three sub-folders in here, entitled thusly: “candy”, “snakes”, and “cadUceUs”. 

Which is frankly obtuse even by Calliope standards. She's always liked being clever and doing wordplay with her titles and the like, but usually there’s some relevancy, and you aren't getting that here. This is more like a deliberate attempt to obscure. 

...Oh. _Ohhhhh._ Okay then. Crap in a dasket, man. 

TT: Callie, am I mildly correct in surmising you…  
TT: Kinda just accidentally file-shared your porn stash at me?  
TT: I mean, I will delete it no questions asked if you want.  
TT: Boom, motherfucker goes right in the wastebin, my hand to God.  
UU: no, not…  
UU: not qUite. *u////////u*  
UU: yoU might be rather on the bloody green, bUt that’s not precisely what's…  
UU: in there.  
UU: as for deleting it, i mUst ask yoU not to!!!!  
UU: i’d lose everything in there, then, the whole thing’s qUite scarpered from my compUter.  
UU: Unless by some miracle the file extension isn’t .jjf, in which case do delete with extreme prejUdice.  
TT: No, no, that’s the one. It reads like a regular folder, though? It slots into Complete Bullshit correct and everything.  
TT: Although it’s got this weird Christmas color theme going on and  
TT: Oh no. Oh Christ, not more juju bullshit.  
TT: That’s what this is, ain’t.  
UU: u_u;; i’m afraid that’s jUst so.  
UU: oh god, this is dreadfUl. i’m so sorry.  
UU: i’ve been meaning to overhaUl my OS and browser and even my modUs! bUt it’s jUst…  
TT: No, no, I get it. You get into a groove with this stuff.  
TT: Literally in my case, since I always found tech-hop straight-up intuitive, but that’s a tangent and a half.  
TT: The point is, I don’t blame you, the magical unwritten bylaw horseshit party is kind of a cherubic Thing, if I understand it correctly.  
TT: Also, it’d be pretty shitty of me to get mad at you when you’re, er, the one inconvenienced here.  
TT: Jujus just tend to get my damn hackles up. After the whole incident which dare not speak its name.  
UU: u~u ‹nods qUite meekly›  
TT: Heh. So.  
TT: How do we proceed? Should I try sending it back to you?  
UU: i don’t have high hopes for that sUcceeding, bUt better to give it the old college try.

timaeusTestified is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
ERROR! Transfer failed (error code= 737872F)

TT: Yep, that’s a no-go. It’s telling me all the files are busy or in-use by present architecture.  
TT: Which I’m guessing is its way of giving me the proverbial Kyubeyface about the unspeakable juju contract.  
UU: haha, yes.  
UU: drat.  
UU: well.  
UU: this is a pretty kettle of fish. u ^u;;;  
TT: Usually you’re supposed to use the juju for some sort of “intended purpose”, right?  
TT: Could that extend to enchantment-encrypted file structures like I guess is what we’re forced to deal with here?  
UU: it’s not at all Unlikely. :U  
UU: which means that yoU’ll have to.  
UU: open at least one or two of them.  
UU: i sUppose. *u____________u*;;;;;  
TT: Probably what’s called for, yeah. Should I start with…  
TT: “Caduceus?” I mean, that sounds the most harmless.  
UU: OH GOOD HEAVENS, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.  
UU: i mean.  
UU: that filename is deceptive.  
UU: and i do implore yoU to open it only as a matter of last recoUrse. ;~; please.  
TT: …  
TT: You do know that piques the hell out of my curiosity, right?  
TT: I mean, it ain’t in my princely nature to go prying into a lady’s private things, but you oughta know me well enough by now to know I ain’t exactly Mr. Judgmental, Callie.  
TT: I’m pretty much exactly the opposite.  
TT: Shit, I got a damn SBAHJface tattooed on my body of my own free will.  
TT: That’s kind of a disqualifier for “snooty arbiter of tastefulness”.  
UU: well, Um, yes, i do know that.  
UU: and yoU’re my dear friend and i do trUst yoU!  
UU: bUt what’s in that particUlar folder might *really* serioUsly coloUr yoUr and everyone else’s opinion of me. u~u in a very bad way, and i jUst can’t bear the thoUght.  
UU: i…  
UU: i sUppose if we *mUst* start somewhere, “candy” is the place to begin. -u-;

  
Dirk: Open subfolder.  


You open the subfolder and are immediately assailed with various pairing names, almost all of whom are the names of people you recognize. 

Mostly because you sort of live in close proximity to them and would call them your friends and family. Some of the pairings are even canon! Like “rose/kanaya”, which is pretty much just a given fact in your world: the sky of Paradise Earth is blue, the Mayor is adorable, Rose and Kanaya are married. Like, not formally married, but at this point everyone’s just waiting for someone to do the honors. 

“john/roxy” is here, which checks out, duh, and “dave/jade” next to “dave/karkat”, “dave/terezi”, “dave/karkat/terezi”, “dave/karkat/terezi/jade”, basically every other potential iteration of your brother’s situational entanglement, which you don’t got the precise deets of but all of this sounds likely. 

(Mostly you know it’s fuckin’ adorable, but you’re not comfortable enough with Yourself, whom you are Working On, that you can give him proper shit for it. Mostly you like. Secure him four gallons of apple juice and try lame stuff like “Gotta keep everyone hydrated, right?” and he gives you this tiny little smile and goes “heh yeah hell of essential yknow” and then says “thanks man” and you feel pretty good the rest of that day. You give Karkat shit for it instead, which mostly takes the form of raising an eyebrow at him whenever innuendo is called for and watching him turn into a flustered tantrum generator.) 

Oh and hey, there’s “dirk/jake”, which kind of makes your stomach flipflop a little. Heh heh. 

But canonicity is not the only order of the day! No, scrolling down, you get some stuff like “jane/aradia” (huh), “john/karkat” (tsundere city but how fucking cute would that be, way too cute), “dave/eridan” (wait who? the dead fish guy? no dammit), “rose/roxy” (...you don’t like thinking about that, you don’t feel like you’ve got a lot of outs), “jake/vriska” (oh god oh man oh no that can never happen), “dirk/john/sollux” (whoa, is it kinda warm in here?). 

And then the occasional, almost meekly popping up addition of “callie” a couple places. Rarely is it a pairing on her own: there’s a couple “roxy/callie”s, one “john/callie”, and one “jade/callie”; most of them are Callie Ohpee popping up as an addition to an existing group. Most commonly “john/roxy/callie”. 

Huh again. 

TT: I take it these are the “bloody lot of smidgens” of yesteryear.  
TT: The forbidden romfic treasure trove, as it were.  
TT: I have to say, this is pretty prolific. You could easily have a pretty big fan following if you put this online, although the tradeoff there is they’re mostly all carapacians and the odd crocodile who still thinks they know how to computer despite empirical evidence to the contrary.  
UU: oh goodness. *u~u*  
UU: i really don’t know if i coUld take the embarrassment of total *pUblic* exposUre to this archive at all.  
UU: bUt this is indeed the…  
UU: primary romantic specUlation area, i sUppose.  
UU: or at least where i pUt everything that’s…  
UU: benign enoUgh i might ever consider sharing it. :U  
UU: i separated it oUt after oUr one conversation back prior to entry, if yoU recall!  
UU: i felt i’d been something of a wet blanket, so i resolved i oUght to show off even a smidgen of my smidgens when next we talked. ~u~  
TT: That’s…  
TT: Actually really sweet? Like, completely unnecessary, I meant it when I said it was no biggie.  
TT: But dang. Thanks.  
TT: I definitely kind of want to peruse some of this stuff.  
TT: Not right now, though, obviously, this is a totally inappropriate juncture.  
TT: I guess I should try sending back the file again?  
UU: ehe, yoU’re rather welcome. *uPu*  
UU: and yes, let’s.

timaeusTestified is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
ERROR! Transfer failed (error code= 737873TF)

TT: Nope. Error’s different this time, though.  
TT: Maybe it’ll let me send it back in chunks?  
UU: i doUbt it.  
UU: even shoUld it sUcceed, sUbverting the strUctUre might corrUpt the Underlying coding.  
TT: Well, horse dongs. That’s that option down.  
TT: Hm.  
TT: Opening the subfolder seemed to affect it, maybe opening the docs affects them too?  
UU: it coUld be.  
UU: that’d be in line with the common jUjU enchantments i know of, and i don’t think the OS is coded with sUpreme complexity in mind, it’s mostly a ~ath overlay.  
TT: But given that ~ath is the squirreliest fucking programming language to ever grab the proverbial computer acorn and stash it in a tree’s spacious jankhole, that ain’t saying much, is it.  
UU: hahaha! no, no, it isn’t. |U  
TT: Lemme see...all right, we’ll test the waters with one of these.  
TT: Scroll down, make it look like I’m reading it…  
TT: Dang, this is decent stuff. I mean, the title’s a little purple-prosey, but titles always are, once you get into the actual fic...  
TT: This is some uncannily natural romantic dialogue.  
UU: >:U  
TT: Sorry, sorry, I’m scrolling.  
TT: Just...man, I kind of wish that was a real conversation. I can see it being a real conversation, even. Which is a little weird?  
TT: So, I mean, you’re not the lone weirdo here.  
TT: Okay, finished scrolling through. Should I try and send it on its own?  
UU: hmmm...perhaps we oUght, jUst to see if it can be done at all?  
TT: K. Here goes nada.

timaeusTestified is sending file: awaltzintopaz&emerald(dirk/jake).txj  
File sent!

TT: Huh, okay, so that works.  
TT: I guess we have to open them one by one, scroll through, and then I send them back?  
TT: Which seems outrageously shitty and time-consuming, but hey.  
UU: oh bUgger. u_u;;;  
UU: that’ll work well enoUgh for this folder, bUt...ohhh, perhaps i oUght to come over and recover everything.  
TT: Callie.  
TT: Dear sweet Callie.  
TT: It’s like 2 fuckin’ AM, you live across town, and you’ll wake up Rox on the way out.  
TT: Or you’ll have to deal with Stern Disapproval from a night-shift Authority Regulator.  
TT: How is that worth it.  
UU: bUt…  
TT: Look, I get that this is pretty much the SFW folder, but I’m seriously made of sterner stuff than you’re giving me credit for here.  
TT: Actually, this kinda dovetails into a question that I’ve always been curious about.  
TT: Vis-a-vis cherub...culture, I guess? Despite how insistent your bro always was that that didn’t exist.  
UU: @w@ that does soUnd like the sort of exaggeration he’d make.  
UU: it’s qUite extant! jUst...very different from most.  
UU: althoUgh if he’s the soUrce of yoUr qUery, i mUst admit i’m nervoUs already with regards to providing answers.  
TT: Well, then we can operate on a sort of quid pro quo basis.  
TT: I admit in full to the sordid circumstances regarding my question, and then you try not to have a heart attack when I have to open up the forbidden kinkvaults a bit.  
UU: Um…  
UU: well, i sUppose that works. :U  
TT: K, so.  
TT: The dude would message me with his pretty standard boilerplate stuff about how he hated you, also hated me, all my friends should die, wanted to play a game, blah blah blah.  
TT: And I’m goin’ yeah, okay, get to the point.  
TT: The point, as it usually turned out, was to get me to draw him porn.  
UU: :U!  
TT: But this was some really…non-standard porno.  
TT: As in requests for pics of, say…  
TT: Me, holding Jane’s hand.  
TT: Or Roxy getting three kinds of up in Jane’s grill with a goddamn rose.  
UU: 8U!!  
TT: Oh, we’re not done.  
TT: Motherfucker got pissed as *hell* every time I added a saucy element to it.  
TT: Someone’s touching a boob, he got all death threat-y.  
TT: But Jake says “You are dear to me” to Rox while standing next to her, and he’s got the boner of the next aeon.  
UU: …  
TT: I twigged pretty quick that the emotional connection was what got him off for some reason.  
TT: Although some of his ideas were just weird, like the time he had me draw Jane dressed up as a damn strawberry floating in a big bowl of cream. That was just him, I figured.  
TT: Anyway, is that what I’m about to delve into here? Just fuckin’ shameless amounts of fluff? People feeding each other way too many sweets on the regular?  
TT: The prior works were “tame” on account of the affection was limited to realistic proportions?  
UU: PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAA  
UU: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA  
UU: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA  
UU: haha...haa...oh...  
UU: oh GOODNESS, no. *9u9*  
UU: erm, yoU actUally have it backwards, if anything.  
UU: the only “cUltUral” element there woUld be the, er, sweets and sUch.  
UU: bUt the rest of that, no, that woUld be entirely his hangUp. pffftt. oh GOODNESS.  
UU: i mUst admit, had i known that whilst we still shared a body, i woUld have given him jUst no end of grief. u_u  
UU: no, no, the other folders’ material was. Um. meticUloUsly researched.  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Then the second folder here is the straight-up hardcores, all children close your eyes.  
UU: yes.  
UU: “serpents” was jUst…sort of…  
UU: what i thoUght mUst be natUral developments, even given my admittedly then deeply limited Understanding of hUman and troll romantic engagements oUtside caliginoUs coUrtship.  
UU: i sUppose it’s not got anything *trUly* disgracefUl or self-indUlgent in it, jUst…  
UU: rather graphic. XU;  
TT: So “Caduceus” is what, the super-kinky stuff you wrote just for you?  
UU: jUst precisely so. *u~u*  
TT: Heh. Well shit, now I get why you were so against me opening that one first.  
TT: I admit that would’ve been a bit of a shocker.  
UU: *u/////////u*   
TT: Here. I’m gonna take my first gingersome-ass steps into snakeland.  
TT: In exchange, I’ll send you the ol’ collection of Caliborn’s Private Reserve, and this will remind you that you aren’t the fat nasty trash around these parts, to quote the poet.  
TT: That cool?  
UU: i believe i can persevere in sUch circUmstances, yes. :U

timaeusTestified is sending file: the_most_tepid_bizzy_in_history.zip  
File sent!

  
Dirk: Open the straight up hardcores.  


You take your first gingersome-ass steps into a subfolder much like the last. Although the pairings are...slightly more varied? Also there’s a lot of what you’d class as really adorable attempts at candy-based innuendo for titles. 

Oddly, this folder has no mentions of “callie” in any of the pairings. Maybe she just classed anything involving her as too weird, shoved it with the weird stuff? You think that’s kind of a shame. 

Anyhow, efficiency might behoove everyone this time, or at least make things a little less fuckin’ awkward all around. You select three docs at a time and double-click on the last, a ditty about Karkat, Jade, Dave, and Terezi that she’s entitled “snoconesyrUpinsUmmertime”. 

...Okay, so you made sure to include a Dirk/Jake smutfic in there. And a John/Sollux. You tell the judgmental shard of yourself to go fellate a smuppet. A man has some goddamn needs. Besides, you’re establishing a baseline or some shit. 

The point is, shut up, you’re going to scroll through this and just skim it. 

… 

You’re _just gonna skim it._

… 

Damn, Callie’s...descriptive. In a good way. Like, holy shit. 

You kind of have to. 

Just. 

Slow down a little bit. 

…Daaaaaaaamn. 

Okay. The cherub girl can write some porn. 

Yes. You have established this. You should probably finish scrolling through so you can send these back to her and escape this juju-fuelled smut mire. 

...There’s this scene where Jake is doing a thing with his tongue though, and-- 

UU: oh, jake’s FACE in this one! oh how priceless! ^u^

OH JESUS OH SHIT. 

You finish scrolling as fast as you possibly can. 

UU: pfffffttt! dirk, these are really qUite hilarioUs.  
TT: IJUBubfjhbfsdhjukf.  
UU: :U?  
TT: Haha! Yeah, uh, sorry. Which one?  
UU: smuut8.gif, love. ^u^  
TT: Yeah, that one was pretty fun. I mean, the baby one was the magnum opus of that set, but I’m not ashamed any of it, that was quality work.  
TT: Anyway, speaking of Jake I should send this one back.  
TT: Or not speaking of Jake.  
TT: Uh, just ignore that part.  
UU: >u>  
TT: Dammit I said ignore it.  
TT: Okay, here we go.

timaeusTestified is sending 3 files: See file list  
ERROR! Transfer failed (error code= 8988993)

TT: Dammit. I guess it doesn’t like the multiple file thing.  
TT: One at time then, I guess, you little juju bastard.

timaeusTestified is sending file: gettingratheradventUresome(dirk/jake).txj  
File sent!

TT: Alright, that’s one. Here comes the next. 

timaeusTestified is sending file: ectocooler+blUeberrybUbblegUm (sollUx/john).txj  
File sent!

===>

Click, click, done. It’s tedious, but you’ve got this. Like Dirk Strider is any stranger to completing tedious repetitive tasks? Please. You’re a robo-smith by trade, you’ve overseen the emergence of sapience in a previously nonsapient program, you know a thing or two about-- 

\-- (02:15) carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] ! --

CG: SO THIS HAS BEEN ABSOLUTE GLOBESHREDDING TORTURE, DEVISED BY SOME KIND OF SHADOWDROPPER DEMONSPAWN FROM THE SEVENTH ECHELON OF HELL’S YAWNING ABYSS, BUT I THINK I HAVE A FUNCTIONAL ROMANTIC CLIMAX FOR YOU.

timaeusTestified is sending file: snoconesyrUpinsUmmertime (karkat/terezi/dave/jade).txj  
File sent!

CG: I HAVE TO SAY, I DIDN’T THINK TURNING HERMIONE INTO A SECRET UNICORN PRINCESS THE WHOLE TIME MADE IT WORK, INITIALLY?  
CG: FULL DISCLOSURE, I MAY HAVE REFERRED TO YOU AS A PURVEYOR OF BARKFIEND SHIT-BISCUITS WHOSE SMUG PUMPKINESQUE TEXTUAL ENDEAVORS ARE THE MOST EGREGIOUS FORM OF LONGFORM MASTURBATION IN RECORDED HISTORY.  
CG: BUT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT, AT LEAST NOT ENTIRELY. I MEAN. YOU KNOW ME.  
CG: KIND OF GIVEN TO HYPERBOLE, AS JADE PUTS IT.  
CG: ANYWAY, SHE MADE ME PROMISE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A BULGEFONDLING SHRIEKWORM ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH I'M PRETTY CERTAIN I KEPT ANY SHAMEFUL GLOBE-STIMULATORY TANTRUMS TO THE *PRIVACY OF MY RESPITEBLOCK*, (WHICH YOU DON’T SEEM TO GRASP AS A CONCEPT, HARLEY)  
CG: BUT ON THE OFF CHANCE I WAS ACTUALLY A NOOKSTAIN TO YOU I WANTED TO MAKE THAT RIGHT SO WE’RE COOL AND ALL.  
CG: WAIT, YOU SENT ME A FILE? I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU A FILE.  
CG: ALSO THAT’S CALLIOPE’S QUIRK?  
TT: Oh fuck.  
TT: Oh fucking shit.

God fucking damn it. Fucking Karkat. 

Why does he have to keep such a terrible sleep schedule? Why do you and Callie and he share interests? Why did he have to message you RIGHT NOW and why did you have to turn on the option where Pesterchum just pops up a new window? Why is everything such bullshit all the time? 

This is so terrible. Okay. Damage control. You have got this. 

TT: Karkat. Dude. Please.  
TT: Do me a solid.  
TT: Don’t open that file.  
TT: Like, just…  
TT: Don’t touch it at all.  
TT: I’m gonna get out my board and hop over to your place, probably come by the window, and we will get rid of that file. Together.  
TT: Just…don’t open it.  
TT: K?  
CG: EHEBGHER  
CG: UM.  
CG: HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I’M KIND OF AN IMPULSIVE LITTLE NUBHORNED GRUBFUCK MORON?  
CG: AND THAT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO STICK MY HEAD SO FAR INTO MY OWN NOOK I CAN SHOUT AT MY INNARDS ABOUT THEIR VARIOUS FAILINGS?  
TT: You opened it like the second I sent it, didn’t you.  
CG: EHEHEHEHE KINDA, YEAH.  
TT: Jesus H. Dick.

Time to dust off the old FACEPALM 2x COMBO!!!! It’s been a while since we saw you, old buddy! How’ve you been? You doin’ good? How are the kids, motherfucker? 

Okay. Wiping your now slightly damp with fear-sweat palms down your face and adjusting your shades, you prepare for slightly more intensive damage control. 

TT: Please, please, don’t give Callie shit about this.  
TT: Like, I’m not even supposed to have that, and you are obviously not supposed to have it.  
TT: Basically some shenanigans have been occurring involving juju horseshit and fucking computers, how do they work?  
CG: I WOULDN’T!  
CG: I MEAN, SHE’S KIND OF A DELICATE GODDAMN CRYSTALBLOSSOM ABOUT HER INTERESTS, ANYONE WITH A HALF-FUNCTIONING PAN CAN SEE THAT!  
CG: THE LAST FUCKING THING I’M GOING TO DO IS GO PARK MY IMPERIAL FREIGHTLINER OVER HER AND START DUMPING PUNGENT ROTTING HOOFBEAST CARCASSES FROM ORBIT, I MEAN, I REFUSE TO BE THAT GRADE OF SHITSPONGE.  
CG: SO OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE MY ABSOLUTE OATH I WILL NOT FUCK WITH HER OVER THIS FRANKLY REALLY ASTUTE AND TROUBLINGLY REALISTIC VENTURE INTO THE REALMS OF TROLL EROTICA.  
CG: THOUGH SHE HAS SOME SERIOUS CHOPS IN THAT DEPARTMENT.  
CG: I’M, ER, KIND OF AWESTRUCK. LIKE, THIS IS DEFINITE RECUPERACOON LIT, TO BE ENTIRELY HONEST.  
TT: No argument there.  
TT: There’s some stuff about me and Jake I’d really like to keep for, uh, personal reasons, but as mentioned, shenanigans and the desire to not roundhouse kick our favorite cherub in the emotions and trust centers.  
TT: Although on the computers note, do you know if our ornery-ass psychic mutual acquaintance could help her gin up a workaround for this juju garbage?  
TT: It’s some sort of ~ath overlay, and he’s the self-proclaimed sorcerer supreme with that shit.  
TT: Basically it enchants her files so you have to fulfill certain directives before you can do anything with them. I guess.  
CG: I CAN SEE IF HE’S AMENABLE? HE’LL PROBABLY BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HOW NON-APIARY COMPUTING IS “THPURIOUTH NECROTECH GARBAGE.”  
CG: SHOULD I MENTION IT’S A REQUEST FROM YOU? I MEAN, GIVEN HOW YOU TWO KIND OF ARE WAXING A BIT PITCH, THAT COULD AFFECT THINGS.  
TT: Man, if he’s not gonna help her without parking one of his damn beehives in her house, fuck him sideways.  
TT: He’s just jealous his last three viruses ain’t got purchase in this real estate.  
TT: I’m like, step your game up. I’ve coded working AIs, these are insulting, dogg, and not in the good way.  
CG: HA HA HA, OH MY GOD. YEAH, I CAN PASS THAT ALONG. HE MIGHT GET A LITTLE PISSY BLACKROM-STYLE, THOUGH.  
TT: Hey, long as it lights a fire under his ass.  
TT: Oh shit, Callie’s messaging me again.  
TT: Um, finish reading that and send it back, okay?  
TT: I’m trying to get the rest of this frankly pretty illicit archive back to the owner, and as mentioned, juju garbage errors up the yin-yang.  
TT: Given that you guys are the subject material and this shit’s my fault, I can’t exactly tell you not to read it at all, but keep it on the down-low.  
CG: ABSOLUTE DISCRETION. GOT IT. CONSIDER ME A ONE-MAN THRESHECUTIONER KILLMANDO SQUAD.  
CG: ALTHOUGH I, ER, HAVE SOME THINGS TO MENTION TO TEREZI, JADE AND DAVE LATER THAT MIGHT BE RELEVANT TO ALL OUR INTERESTS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
TT: Yeah, and I’m curious if Jake’s actually that limber. I getcha.  
TT: Anyhow. Switching. 

===>

UU: dirk?  
UU: oh dear.  
UU: nothing more has gone wrong, has it? :U??  
UU: dirk???  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Nothing’s gone seriously wrong.  
TT: There was a bit of a problem with the third file.  
UU: oh no!  
UU: do say it isn’t corrUpted or some sUch?  
TT: Nothing like that, no.  
TT: I kind of got ambush-messaged by Karkat.  
TT: So, uh, he has an X-rated thing featuring him, TZ, Dave, and Jade.  
TT: I am really sorry, Callie.  
UU: XU  
UU: XU!!!!  
TT: If it helps at all, he’s being cool about it.  
TT: I told him to scroll through and send it back, so I’ll have it for you in a couple minutes.  
TT: Also, he’s gonna ask Appleberry Senpai about getting you some code workarounds, okay?  
TT: So this isn’t a thing again.  
TT: I am *really* sorry.  
UU: no, no, it’s okay. u_u;;  
UU: thank yoU for telling me, i think it woUld’ve been mUch worse if yoU were dishonest aboUt it. ^u^;  
UU: he’s not offended at all?  
UU: i know he’s a bit of a stickler for realism in these sorts of endeavoUrs… .u.  
TT: Nah.  
TT: He said, and I quote, “THIS IS DEFINITE RECUPERACOON LIT”.  
UU: oh!  
UU: *~u~* oh goodness, haha.  
UU: ‹giggles in a flUstered manner!›   
TT: I figure I can’t exactly tell him not to read any of it, given that it was my fuckup that sent the damn thing, but KK’s a solid dude, he’ll send it back.  
UU: he is, he is. |U  
UU: hUm...yoU know, perhaps…  
UU: erm.  
UU: perhaps yoU oUght to start rapidly sending back the, erm, really bad-bUsiness files from folder three, so there’s no risk of…  
UU: exposing anyone to those. *u//////////u*  
UU: so i sUppose, despite my earlier protestations…  
UU: i’m giving yoU permission to open that.  
UU: if yoU glimpse anything Untoward, i...i gUess i don’t *really* think yoU’ll think less of me, yoU’ve said that mUch, so i sUppose i’m jUst being nervoUs and silly. XU  
TT: Hey, I understand.  
TT: I mean, if I’m being honest, I got more than a little hot and bothered just now over your entirely fictionalized scenario of me and Jake having “adventUres”, and I find that embarrassing as shit.  
TT: As you almost certainly guessed.  
UU: why dirk, i’m certain i don’t know what yoU mean. >u~  
UU: ‹is maintaining previoUsly reqUested ignorance!›  
TT: Goddammit.  
TT: Alright, I’m heading once more unto the breach.

Dirk: Open the most forbidden kinkvault.

Clicky clicky, open it goes. 

Once again, the folder isn’t that different from the other two. A lot of familiar names, a lot of fiction about real people, but you kind of expect that by this point? 

Oh, huh, the name “callie” _is_ in fact coming up a lot here. 

...Along with “calliope”. Which makes sense, one’s her trollsona, after all. So your earlier instincts were right: she put pretty much everything X-rated with her in it in the kink folder. 

Again, kind of a shame. It’s not like her other work was tasteless or something, it’s almost definitely just a self-worth thing. Poor girl. 

You almost absentmindedly open one that doesn’t have anyone but Calliope herself labeled in it, with the esoteric title “ thegodmakerceremony”. 

Which-- 

… 

Oh. 

Oh oh. Welp. 

Yeah!!! So, uh, Callie’s into being tied up. 

If you were Rose, you could probably start going into where that comes from, something something sarswapagus, bound most of her childhood, source of comfort blah blah blah. You are not Rose and you wish you didn’t hear a version of her going on about it in your head. 

… 

Callie is also apparently into bukkake and/or not-quite-consensual gokkun, if the present sample is anything to go by. You aren’t interested in analyzing that, either. Shut up, brain Rose. Shut the fuck up. 

… 

Aaaand Callie’s _also_ into having eggs put inside her. Like multiple eggs at a time. Oviposition is the term, right? 

Why do you have to know that. Why won’t the Rose in your head shut the fuck up, just once??? You don’t care how this psychologically might tie into cherub reproduction. You have got to stop thinking about this. 

Back to the folder. Quickly. Something else. What’s the most common pairing? That’s fun to consider, right? Hahaha! 

Huh, seems to be Calliope (or Callie)/Roxy/John, though there’s some variance and plenty of solo-fics. 

Given that Roxy and John have definitely become an item post-Game, th-- 

Dammit, no. No. Just open another. Just. What the hell is wrong with you, man? NEVER have considered this stuff! 

Just. Open that. Whatever it is-- 

“ dayofthesmUppetpocalypse””. 

Oh what the fuck. 

You open it anyway. 

… 

This is a fic about evil smuppets pumping an intentionally more waify than normal (probably ironic) version of Dave full of eggs, and it’s...weirdly hot, kinda? But it’s also legit hilarious, and now you’re sitting there blush-snickering. Jesus, Callie, wow. You can see how she might've been worried. 

It gives you some perspective, actually, lets you calm down and not focus on how personal and awkward this all is. 

Lets you sorta start thinking of a bit of a plan. Not much of one. You're not going back to the days of Dirk Strider Machinations the Registered Trademark. Just...poor Callie's pretty obviously pent-up. And has a thing for some people. Who she lives with. Who might be considered senpais. You've seen enough anime to know where this is going. 

But first, you’d better get back to her.

TT: So I definitely don’t think less of you like at all.  
TT: I mean, I’m surprised, I guess, but I think that’s fair.  
TT: I mean, one wouldn’t think that that a person I’d describe as being “exclusively composed of shoujo manga sparkles, niceness, and key lime pie” is into any of these kinds of things, necessarily.  
TT: At the same time, though, you wouldn’t think your brother the puzzlemurder guy is hard into cuddles and fuckin’ cookie dough.  
UU: *u/////////////u*  
UU: i do sUppose it doesn’t fit my UsUal persona, no.  
UU: bUt, i mean, even if  
UU: even if i wasn’t so dreadfUlly embarrassed of it as i am, it doesn’t seem like what one oUght to shove in people’s faces, does it?? :U  
UU: i mean, it’s a very, very private preference.  
UU: which feels like it might be exclUsive only to me. *.u.*  
TT: No, no, you shouldn’t feel like you *have* to hoist your freak flag or anything.  
TT: Frankly that’s more a Caliborn thing, he was not at all private, ever, he was very public about his tastes re: hair-stroking, hand-holding, cake, etc.  
TT: Which I thought was weirdly charming, his being an awful existence-threatening and sister-murdering jackass aside?  
TT: But it’d definitely be him, not you.  
TT: I just don’t think you should beat yourself up, necessarily.  
TT: Or think that it’s wrong to like what you like, or even that you have to resign yourself to it never ever happening.  
TT: Even the weirdest dreams deserve to come true in the privacy of one’s own space, I guess is my policy here.  
UU: *^u^*  
UU: thank yoU, dirk.  
TT: Hey, no problem. Here’s another one back.

timaeusTestified is sending file: thegodmakerceremony(calliope).txj  
File sent!

UU: oh, has karkat gotten back to yoU yet? :U  
TT: Haha, guess who got distracted. Lemme check his window.

  
===>  


CG: OKAY, PHEW. UH. FINISHED READING THAT.  
CG: I THINK I KIND OF NEED A COLD DRINK OR SOMETHING. BRB. GONNA GO GRAB SOME AJ.  
\-- (02:24) carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum! --  
\-- (02:25) carcinoGeneticist [CG] came back! --  
CG: 4H4! 1 THOUGHT 1 SM3LL3D 4 F4M1L14R OR4NG3-M4NGO T3XT WH1FF FROM 1N H3R3!  
CG: 1’M 4FR41D YOU’V3 B33N C4UGHT R3D-H4ND3D, STR1D3R V3RS1ON 4LPH4 >:O  
CG: 4ND NOW YOU W1LL H4V3 TO G1V3 UP THE FR3SH3ST D33TS ON THE UPCOM1NG CH4PT3R OF W1Z4RD HORS3 4DV3NTUR3S F34TUR1NG R3PR3H3NS1BL3 BUT H1LAR1OUS SH1PP1NG 4ND 4LSO R4MP4NT BODY HORROR  
CG: (TO M3, OF COURS3, NOT K4RK4T, WHO 4LR34DY PROB4BLY KNOWS >:P)  
CG: 4LTHOUGH 1 GU3SS 1 SHOULD HOP ON MYS3LF 1F 4CTU4LLY 41M TO G3T 4NYTH1NG, H3H3  
CG: W41T, WH4T’S TH1S F1L3 H3 H4S OP3N? 1T SM3LLS L1K3 M1SS L1M3-SP34RM1NT SKULLSN4K3’S F4NCY-SCHM4NCY UR4N1UM QU1RK >:?  
CG: 4ND  
CG: OH  
CG: OH MY GOD >:O  
TT: Son of a fucking bitch.

===>

Great. Just great. You should’ve expected this, in hindsight. Terezi’s natural sleuthing capabilities exceed even Jane’s by miles, so the idea that anything Karkat had ahold of was going to evade the Seer of Mind was a totally fake one from the get-go, probably. 

2:25 was...roughly 15 minutes ago. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

This is the worst. Is Terezi on? You have to make sure this doesn’t go further than it should, you owe that to Calliope at the very least. God _dammit_. Where’s your chumroll. Where is-- 

\-- (02:40) turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] ! --

TG: ok so uh i dont really know how to say this  
TG: also im telling it to you not callie under extreme k-k related duress  
TG: involving threats to my own personal hose  
TG: but one shes definitely uh not bad at writing  
TG: and two come on though you cant just let that damn thing end there  
TG: there are like way too many implications about  
TG: look basically a cliffhanger there is fucking unconscionable  
TG: ive got a hot nut on loan from hell and i will honestly pony up like 650 boonbucks if she will write down the rest of that i am completely legit  
TG: you can think im a big ol pervert if you want  


Damage Control Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. Okay. 

You try to begin typing, but nothing shows up in Pesterchum--oh there’s some fucking dialog box, get the fuck out of here. You hit enter. 

timaeusTestified is sending file: dayofthesmUppetpocalypse.txj  
File sent!

TT: Oh my God.  
TT: Oh for fuck’s own sake.  
TT: What the hell is with tonight? Why is tonight the night I fuck up in front of everyone??  
TG: uh  
TG: haha whoops???  
TT: Yeah, that’d be the operative goddamn word.  
TT: That is the word of the night.  
TT: That or “humiliation” and “conga” strung together.  
TT: Am I too late in asking you not to open that fuckin’ thing?  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah you kinda are  
TT: Dandy.  
TT: Just dandy.  
TT: Dave, I am sorry I sent you a fanfic where you get eggs pumped up your butthole by a foam nightmare.  
TT: I am sorry for this, Dave.  
TT: I never wanted this to happen. I never dreamed it could.  
TT: I have been trying to return these particular text genies to their rightful custodian, but that is just not in the fucking cards.  
TT: I feel like I sat on an antimatter Vriska or some shit here.  
TT: Anyway, please don’t yell at Callie over this.  
TT: It ain’t her fault she has weird tastes.  
TG: no its cool  
TG: honestly i aint even mad  
TG: i think the thing  
TG: i think the thing that bothers me if anything is why the hell a smuppet lays eggs  
TG: like proboscis-probing ok sure if im a living smuppet thats basically top of the list  
TG: considering im already a horror comprised of raunchy ass sesame street lust thats basic instincts  
TG: but dude were like golems we dont reproduce  
TG: so where the hell do the eggs come from  
TG: like is that just a feature of the smuppet taxonomy or what  
TG: also do i like ever use my nose for breathing or just for sex  
TG: is it even a nose like theres some serious anatomical concerns getting raised here that i guess are sort of design inherent  
TT: Well, like you indicated, they’d be demoniac horrors born of sin.  
TT: Do they really follow any evolutionary pattern? Biology is probably a funny fuckin’ joke to them.  
TT: It’d be like expecting structural congruity from the Outer Gods.  
TG: actually yeah that makes hells of sense  
TG: its kinda tolkienian almost  
TG: they were fashioned after men to mock like orcs with elves since morgoth never got over getting kicked out of orchestra practice  
TG: except instead of like hideous teeth and green eczema theres just bulbous asses and phalli from hell to breakfast  
TG: which may or may not be full of little foam eggs  
TG: i was also gonna say i aint normally that prissy but tez pointed out i was probably being ironic cause the other fic callies portrayal was spot on  
TG: youd think staying rad would be the last damn thing on my mind in a world of puppetdong madness but it could be like my sanity refuge or something  
TG: anyway i feel more okay about that  
TG: sorry if i got all weird  
TT: Nah, it’s fine. I can pass on your request for continuance, but at the moment I think it’d drive her into both her psychological shell and a pillow fort.  
TT: Especially since…  
TT: Let’s just say.  
TT: Fictionwise.  
TT: It isn’t usually you or I who’s the one receiving, uh, what Jake might call little white gifts from God.  
TT: ...In multiple ways, I guess.  
TG: well there goes *someone’s* dream of a thirty chapter epic of this shit  
TG: someone i won’t name but their initials are a blind weirdo who kind of started this with her probing into weird stonks  
TG: but dang so playing incubator is kinda callies thing in the main  
TT: Or tied-up canvas to a Jackson Pollock who ain’t got no paintbrush, yeah.  
TG: huh  
TG: its kind of hard to picture and yet not  
TG: like apparently she has trouble sleeping without such as something tied to her leg according to mom  
TG: roxy  
TG: dammit  
TG: and also vriska said something this one time about “yeah so cherubs theyre weird and hatesex on the regular and lay eggs thats the deal there”  
TG: so i mean yeah thats hell of understandable  
TG: like  
TG: just totally makes sense  
TG: …  
TG: you ever start hearing rose do psychoanalysis bullshit in your damn head  
TT: Yes. Exact same topic.  
TT: All “let me tell you about Callie’s mother.”  
TG: all being the selection at the grocery store  
TG: too many PRICES and VAULES  
TT: It’s like......who NEEDS this fuckeng bullshit  
TG: it is soooo INFUUUUURIATING  
TT: Shit, whare’s the manager.  
TG: hahahahaha oh my god high five  
TT: Hell yes, dude.  
TT: Oh. So Terezi is definitely around, then? I kind of need to swear her to secrecy about this.  
TT: Especially given her thing with John.  
TT: Like, it’d be pretty great if John wasn’t talking about this in any circumstances Callie might overhear. Ever. Ever ever.  
TG: huh  
TG: is john like  
TG: the dude callie would like to do the freaky snake eggs bondage tango with  
TT: He’s the dude variable of a particular equation.  
TG: oh hahahaha  
TG: well then  
TG: i was all about to endorse such as letting her down easy  
TG: diagrams of how her housemates are already getting their bone on with apologies attached  
TT: Nah, just gotta figure out how to make a polygon here without anyone doing shit to the handle.  
TT: The handle is strictly off limits.  
TG: woop woop fucking police cordon up in  
TG: authority regulators writing mad tickets for anyone going within three feet of the handle  
TG: no fuckin pirouettes are you KIDDING me here son  
TT: Absolutely zero tolerance for acrobatics of any damn kind.  
TT: Just don’t try it.  
TT: I guess I should also say that if you and/or any other members of the Strider-Vantas-Pyrope-Harley JengaJam have some choice advice on polyamory that might help here, it’s welcome.  
TT: Assuming that that’s a Thing and I’m not just making dumbshit assumptions based on Callie’s fic there.  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: yeah that is totally a thing i uh thought you knew  
TG: i kind of flipped a little about it a while back and threw a big fit and actually got on kind of a high horse about it  
TG: but kk and tez calmed me down which was weird role reversal from some of the norm  
TG: also can i borrow the term jengajam  
TT: Fuckin’ absolutely.  
TT: Anyway, uh. Sorry if it seemed like I wouldn’t be cool with it.  
TG: nah it was just youd kinda given me advice on talking to john and everyone about how goddamn gay i was without busting into roses house trying to reenact the birdcage starring rent: the musical  
TG: and im like “maybe i shouldve told him its like...bi...or...pan”  
TG: “whichever one of those is more applicable i guess”  
TG: “so he doesnt think im just king of crap dudes”  
TG: but it seemed the cooler thing to not make a federal issue out of it  
TG: but then it seemed like you knew and im all “fuckin just...gimme a car so i can go sink to the bottom of the lake where i belong”  
TG: so yeah  
TT: Heh.  
TT: I guess we’ll get better at this shit eventually.  
TG: just gotta keep on KEEPIN IT REAL with THE BIG MAN  
TG: anyway ill let tez know youre looking to chat  
TT: Thanks, dogg.

===>

You've probably left Callie hanging long enough. 

TT: So as you might surmise from my absence.  
TT: I fucked up again.  
TT: It’s not actually as bad as before.  
TT: I think.  
TT: Dave just knows some things about smuppets now.  
UU: XU!!!!!!!!!!!!  
UU: XU ^&$^$%$#$%$%#&$%$%  
UU: fUcking **bUgger** my idiotic writing, and jUjUs, and the whole bloody lot of it!!!  
UU: perhaps i oUght to jUst, jUst relocate my damned compUter to the MOON. XU;;;;;  
UU: aUgh. .u.; sorry.  
TT: No, it’s okay. You’re being fuckin’ ungodly patient with me, and I appreciate that.  
TT: Sorry that I’m just kind of a huge mess of dumbass bullshit tonight.  
TT: I owe you big-time over this.  
UU: oh, botheration. i don’t want yoU to feel i’m hanging a sword over yoUr head or somesUch. uPu  
UU: yoU are making qUite the effort to fix everything, which i trUly appreciate.  
UU: i jUst wish there was some way to expedite matters as this is all making me more than a bit anxioUs. ;~; XU  
TT: Yeah, I’m hoping Karkat comes through on that.  
TT: In the meantime, lemme fix my preferences real quick, then I have to talk to him and also a certain snoopy troll.  
UU: OH! oh yes, yoU’d better!  
UU: she is qUite the investigator, after all.  
TT: Exactly. BRB.

You check Karkat’s chat window. 

CG: JESUS TAPDANCING FUCKMUNCH TROLL CHRIST.  
CG: MISSION FAILED, SIR, THE THRESHECUTIONER RESPONSIBLE (ME) OFFERS A FORMAL MOTHERFUCKING APOLOGY AND THE OPTION TO SELF-EVISCERATE VIOLENTLY IN AN ENORMOUS PILLAR OF SCARLET SHAME.  
CG: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO PUT A “KNOCK, YOU INCREDIBLE ASSHOLES” SIGN ON MY DOOR OR SOMETHING.  
CG: NOT THAT THAT WOULD ACTUALLY STOP OR EVEN GIVE PAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED, WHO EITHER TIME-HOP, TELEPORT, OR HAVE ZERO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE AS EVER HAVING EXISTED!  
CG: THANKS, YOU FUCKING NOOKWHIFF BULGEHOUNDS! THANKS FOR THAT!!!  
TT: It’s cool.  
TT: Well, for a given value of cool.  
TT: In that it’s not actually very cool at all but you ain’t gotta sickle your guts out or nothin’. I already talked to Dave and I’m gonna talk to Terezi in a sec.  
TT: Can I assume our local Witch of Having Almost No Filter is blissfully unaware at the moment?  
CG: YES, AND FRANKLY THAT IS A SHINING STAR AMIDST THIS FIRMAMENT OF PIPING HOT MUSCLEBEAST OFFAL.  
CG: I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE THANKFUL FOR HER TENDENCY TO SLEEP THROUGH FUCKING EVERYTHING.  
TT: Nor I. Have you gotten ahold of Sollux?  
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID, SO THAT’S A THING I GUESS MITIGATES MY PAINFULLY USUAL ABSOLUTE FAILURE QUOTIENT.  
CG: HE’S BEEN LOSING TO ARADIA IN STARCRAFT ALL NIGHT, SO I ACTUALLY THINK I GOT HIM AT A PRETTY OPPORTUNE TIME?  
CG: HE SAID “TELL THAT HORTHEFUCKER TO EXPECT BETTER CRAFTMANTHHIP THEN HE COULD EVER *DREAM* OF ACHIEVING” AND APPARENTLY GOT RIGHT TO PROGRAMMING. HE EVEN LOGGED OFF BATTLE.NET, WHICH IS KIND OF A GODDAMN FEAT.

Dirk: Verify wild speculation.

Sollux never logs off of any game service if he can help it, and because he’s a psionic with some kind of bullshit bee computer, he can play multiple games at once without technically botting. Then again, you can have Squarewave and Sawtooth on your team without technically botting in the game definition of the term, since they’re not slaved programs, they’re independent beings even if they may be tin cans. 

Sollux still refers to it as botting because he’s a trifling motherfucker. 

But, incredibly, said trifling motherfucker really isn’t on Bnet. “twinArmageddons” is in fact offline. Well, that’s better news than you’ve been having. 

TT: Well, shit. Guess I better tell Sawtooth to amp my firewall.  
CG: IS HE BACK FROM THAT SURVEY MISSION THING? BECAUSE IF HE IS I’M CHALLENGING HIM TO ONE-ON-ONE. I AM THROWING DOWN THE CHALLENGE BEETLE AND TAKING THAT METAL OPPRESSOR INTO THE B-BALL ARENA.  
CG: I’VE BEEN PRACTICING MY THREE-POINT SHOTS, AND I’M DECENT AS HELL NOW. I ACTUALLY BEAT DAVE.  
TT: Sure, I’ll let Saws know you’re ready to get dunked on.  
TT: Which is not, by the way, derogatory of your talent, just that he’s going to dunk on you. It’s how it is.  
TT: He dunks on me on the regular, too. Hell, he dunks on Jake, and Jake’s legit as hell with jumps.  
TT: I think the only people he doesn’t dunk on every time they play are Vriska and John, because they fucking cheat.  
CG: UGH, DON’T I GODDAMN KNOW IT.  
CG: HEY, ASSHOLE, JUST BECAUSE THE RULES AS LAID DOWN DON’T EXPLICITLY SAY TURNING INTO WIND IS TRAVELLING DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN DO IT!  
CG: DID YOU SEE BARKLEY TURNING INTO WIND, EVER? DID YOU SEE JORDAN? NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT.  
TT: Preach, brother. Egbert got no respect for The Game.  
TT: Anyhow, thanks for the assist with Count Binary. I gotta talk to Terezi, though.

\-- (02:58) timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] ! --

TT: Miss Your Tyranny, I need a favor or two.  
TT: I humbly request permission to give my brief over to the neophyte on duty for perusal and shit.  
GC: OOH L4 L4, SOM3ON3 1S SP34K1NG MY L4NGU4G3! >:O  
GC: V3RY W3LL, SOL1C1TOR R41NBOW SH3RB3RT, TH3 COURTBLOCK SH4LL GR4NT YOU F41R H34R1NG W1THOUT R1SK OF R3TR1BUT1ON BY TH3 CRU3LL3ST B4R  
GC: WH4T REQU3STS H4V3 YOU OF H3R HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY, HMMM?  
TT: Well first off, I need to petition for those li’l fictions of Calliope’s never to meet the eyes of one Miss Jade Harley or ideally most anyone else.  
TT: And for word not to get around that Callie kind of has a talent for writing smut.  
TT: Especially to a certain Mister John Egbert.  
GC: BLUH, YOU DON’T N33D SP3C14L D1SP3NS4T1ON TO S34L TH4T 3VID3NCE, MR. SH3RB3RT  
GC: WH1CH 1S TO S4Y 1 W1LL NOT COUNT TH4T 4S DO1NG A SP3C14L F4VOR, 1T 1S JUST M3 B31NG D3C3NT!  
GC: 1N F4CT, 1 C4N H4V3 K4RK4T FORW4RD 1T B4CK TO H3R R1GHT NOW >:P  
TT: That would be aces.  
GC: DON3!  
GC: 1 H4V3 TO S4Y, 1’M 4 L1TTL3 OFF3ND3D YOU WOULD TH1NK 1 WOULD US3 TH4T 1NFORM4T1ON FOR PURPOS3S OF GO4D1NG 4 POT3NT14L K1SM3S1S >:[  
GC: 1’D H4V3 HOP3D 1 D1DN’T COM3 OFF 4S *TH4T* B1G OF 4N 4SSHOL3 1N OUR D34L1NGS  
TT: …  
TT: Yeah, that does sound pretty...Christ. I’m just having an off night.  
TT: In the new tradition of apologizing all over my damn self, sorry.  
TT: I’m just sort of in the zone of hypervigilance, what with spilling the beans not once, but twice, in the most predictable possible manner like it’s a fuckin’ running gag.  
GC: H3H3, YOU’R3 FORG1V3N  
GC: 1 H4V3 TO S4Y, 1T *1S* PR3TTY SC4ND4LOUS N3WS  
GC: 4ND NOT 4T 4LL WH4T YOU M1GHT TH1NK WOULD FLO4T H3R F4NCY L1M3-SP34RM1NT FR1G4T3  
GC: 1 4M LUCKY 1 4M M4D3 OF F4R TOO ST3RN OF STUFF TO D3V3LOP 4 C4S3 OF TH3 V4PORS OV3R 1T  
GC: THOUGH 1 W1LL CONF1D3 TO YOU TH4T D4V3 1S NOW WOND3R1NG JUST HOW D33P TH3 PROV3RB14L FLUFFSPR1NG3R BURROW GO3S 1N T3RMS OF F4NF1CT1ON 4BOUT US  
TT: The mines are deep enough they got a Balrog problem, let’s put it that way.  
GC: WHOO BOY >:o  
GC: 4ND H3R3 1 THOUGHT N3P3T4 H4D 4 SH1PP1NG 4ND ROMF1C 4DD1CT1ON, H4H4!  
GC: NOT TH4T 1’D 3V3R KNOCK 1T  
GC: WH3N YOU’R3 4LON3 FOR 4 R34LLY LONG T1M3, WH4T3V3R BR1NGS YOU H4PP1N3SS T3NDS TO ST4Y W1TH YOU PR3TTY MUCH FOR3V3R, 1T S33MS L1K3  
GC: 4NYW4Y  
GC: 1 SOM3HOW DON’T TH1NK TH4T’S 4LL YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO 4SK 4BOUT?  
GC: C4LL 1T 4 HUNCH >:P  
TT: You and Rose are getting pretty scary good at that.  
TT: And you’re right.  
TT: This is in absolute strictest confidence, so like, make sure there’s no prying eyes or dream Harleys or any of that shit.  
TT: Our little cherubic smut-artisan has a crush on two people in particular.  
TT: Namely, her housemates.  
TT: I think letting her into that particular sexual communion ain’t the worst idea in the world, maybe, but I have a terrible history with this shit.  
TT: See: me/Jake, the relationship ending so bad it made the news.  
TT: I figure you can tell me if it’s stupid right off the bat, and maybe, if I provide you with some hot deets about unicorn v. wizard death counts, you might, uh, formally augur for me?  
GC: >:O  
GC: TH4T 1S…  
GC: 4 SHOCK1NGLY S3NS1BL3 ID34!  
GC: TH3 4UGURY, 4NYW4Y  
GC: MY 1N1T14L 1MPR3SS1ON OF TH4T TR14NGUL4T1ON IS “HUH, 1 N3V3R THOUGHT OF TH4T”  
GC: MY 1MPR3SS1ON 4FT3R SOM3 CONS1D3R4T1ON 1S 1T WOULD B3 D1SGUST1NGLY 4DOR4BL3, BUT 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT WORK >:?  
GC: JOHN 1S 4N 4SSF4C3 4ND TH3 K1NG OF N3RDS, BUT H3 1S 4LSO G3NU1N3LY N1C3 4ND 1S 4 LOT MOR3 UP FOR TH1NGS TH4N 3V3N H3 KNOWS >;]  
GC: 4LSO, H3 1NS1STS C4LL1OP3 1S PR3TTY 4ND CUT3, SO 1 DOUBT H3 WOULD GO “3W!” 4ND THUS K1BOSH TH3 ID34 COMPL3T3LY 1F H3 W3R3 TO L34RN TH3 F4CTS OF TH3 M4TT3R  
GC: ROXY WOULD B3 H4RD3R TO F1GUR3 ON 4CCOUNT OF H3R VO1DLY N4TUR3 4ND TH3 F4CT SH3 S33MS NOT TO R34LLY PR3F3R G1RLS MUCH CONCUP1SC13NTLY >:?  
GC: (OTH3RW1S3 1’M PR3TTY SUR3 SH3 WOULD’V3 GON3 FOR CROCK3R H4RD 1N TH3 R3D W4Y, 1 M34N MY *GOD*, 1 D4YDR34M SOM3T1M3S 4ND 1 4M 1N 4 V3RY FULF1LL1NG J3NG4J4M >:O 1 KNOW 1 S41D SH3 W4S NOT 4LL TH4T TO D4V3, BUT 1N TH4T S1NGUL4R 1NST4NC3 1 W4S SOR3LY M1ST4K3N >:P)  
TT: (Right with you there. I think it might be they’re too much of a pale thing, if I can use the term?)  
TT: (I know if there was a gun to my head and I had to get with a chick, I would have to go with Jane. Like, daaaaaaaammmmmnnn, girl. That ass don’t quit.)  
GC: (S3R1OUSLY!)  
GC: BUT~ L4LOND3 TYP3-BUBBL3GUM L1K3S M1SS MOJ1TO-SKULL 4 GR34T D34L 4ND 1S POT3NT14LLY PR1VY TO M4NY 4SP3CTS OF S41D CH3RUB’S L1F3!  
GC: 4LSO, SH3 G4V3 D34R SW33T C4LL1OP3 4 PR3TTY SYMBOL1C R1NG, 1F 1 4M NOT M1ST4K3N!  
GC: SO SH3 M1GHT B3 QU1T3 4M3N4BL3, W3 JUST DON’T KNOW  
GC: H3NCE WHY YOU H4V3 W1S3LY SOL1C1T3D MY S3RV1C3S 4S OR4CL3, 4M4T3UR1SH 4S TH3Y M4Y B3 > :P  
GC: BUT WH1L3 TH3 D33TS PROV1D3 4LMOST 4LL TH3 N3C3SS4RY COLL4T3R4L, 4 SL1GHT B4L4NC3 R3M41NS OUTST4ND1NG B3FOR3 TH3 COURTBLOCK M4Y 4CT ON YOUR B3H4LF 4ND SUBPO3N4 TH3 THOUS4NDFOLD THOUGHT  
GC: WH1CH 1S A TW3LV3-P4CK OF CH3RRY 7UP, B3C4US3 1F YOU W1LL R3C4LL YOU DR4NK TH3 L4ST C4N WH1LST YOU W3R3 OV3R H3R3 PL4Y1NG XBOX WITH D4V3 >:P  
TT: Oh yeah, I did. Getting delirious biznasty makes a man thirst like hell.  
TT: Here, I’ll send Squarewave over with it. I whooped him really soundly in a rap-off yesterday, so I’ll make this the penalty.  
TT: Any damn way. The matter of the rest of the collateral.

timaeusTestified is sending file: a_history_of_hogwarts_IN_BLOOD.rtf  
File sent!

GC: H4H4H4H4 Y3SSSS >:D 3XC3LL3NT  
GC: 4LL R1GHT, L3T M3 DO TH3 TH1NG

The thing takes a few minutes, and you are sure a lot of aquamarine neurons are flashing like hell, at least on a very meta level. Shortly, Terezi’s chat window flashes again. 

GC: BLURGH >XO  
GC: 1 R3TURN! 4ND 1 H4V3 SM3LL3D OUT 4 P4TH OF SUCC3SS FOR YOU! >:]  
GC: YOU N33D ONLY DO ON3 TH1NG, TRUTHFULLY  
GC: 1N F4CT, 1T M1GHT M4K3 1T 34S13R 4ND B3TT3R 1F 1 DON’T T3LL YOU M4NY D3T41LS  
GC: YOUR PL4N W1LL SUCC33D THUSLY, 4ND 1T W1LL NOT 3XPLOD3 1N TH3 M4NN3R YOU 4R3 F4M1L14R W1TH  
GC: HOW3V3R, TH3R3 W1LL B3 PROP3RTY D4M4G3 4T 4 L4T3R D4T3 >:|  
GC: BUT TRUTH B3 TOLD, YOU 4R3 BL4M3L3SS 1N TH4T D3B4CL3

You don’t find that the most welcome news, but you’re consulting a Seer, here, no one said you’d like all of what she said. 

TT: K. What should I do?  
TT: Go ahead and be vague. I don’t want to get the urge to manipulate, here.  
TT: Well, more than I already am.   
GC: YOU MUST S3L3CT TH3 WHOL3 F1L3-SOURC3, 1N 4LL 1TS SORD1D GLORY  
GC: 4ND TH3N W41T 4 F3W M1NUT3S TO B3 M3SS4G3D  
GC: TH3N, DOUBL3-CL1CK TH3 N3W W1NDOW >:]  
GC: ONC3 YOU H4V3 DON3 TH1S, S3R3ND1P1TY OF CHO1C3 ON TH3 P4RTS OF OTH3RS W1LL T4K3 C4R3 OF TH3 R3ST!  
GC: G1V3 M1SS L1M3-&-M1NT MY B3ST, SOL1C1TOR >;O S33R’S COURT 1S 4DJOURN3D! *B4NGS G4V3L*

...Wait, what? Her instructions don’t sound sensible at all. They sound like fucking up again. That isn’t what you’re here to do. In fact, they sound like fucking up aggressively. But…if she’s right, then…  
  
Slowly, gingerly, you select the whole damn thing. 

It sits there, this juju-cursed archive. It sits there and you become increasingly nervous. This seems stupid. This might be stupid. 

You can’t do this. You can not take Terezi’s advice. You’re just gonna-- 

Pesterchum makes a loud BLONG! Oh God new window shit shit shit and you double click without thinking. 

Dirk: Fuck up aggressively?

\-- (03:25) tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] ! --

TG: yo dirk apparently im sposed to get all up in yr bizzy???  
TG: teztez was super insistent & im like “damn girl chill ok”  
TG: also tonite has been weird anyhow, i swear callie yelled from her side of the house like 3 times  
TG: but i popped over and shes all “NO ITS TOTES COOL PLOX DND”  
TG: mebbe yall were just hella into TEH ANIMES??? idk

timaeusTestified is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
Uploading…Complete!  
File sent.

...You feel your jaw drop in dismay. 

Oh no. No, _this_ is the worst. One of your eyes twitches slightly. You want to be angry, but you are kind of just numb. Well. This is it. You have been tricked. You don't even know why, but you were tricked and now you've done the worst possible thin--

TG: AAAAAAHH OMG IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS? 8D  
TG: omgomg its the motherlode how do u HAVE this  
TG: ive been after callie for like a month to lemme see this shiz  
TG: she sent it to me by accident 1 time and was all flustered  
TG: and i was like “ok i def wont snoop”  
TG: but lol @ those names im like o wow mad cherub indecencieses ok girl  
TG: this is clearly some HELLA PORNO  
TG: and i might have...peered into candy land ~___~  
TG: and saw THE RPF CAVERNS OF WONDER  
TG: so the rest of it must be some similar stuff only saucier p clrly  
TG: but i was mostly good and sent it back!  
TG: & then i was like “plox to c just a LIL, cmooooonnnn ill like it u kno *I* write fuckin porn on the reg srsly ;3”  
TG: and she was straight up animu NOPENOPENOPE SHOUJO TEARSS  
TG: so i went *le shrug, le sigh*  
TG: she probly thinks ill get mad shes had dirty thoughts bout john >_>;  
TG: girl you SHOULD have dirty thoughts bout john unless ur rosie and ur eyes r only for ur shiny vampire fashionista bride  
TG: @_@ bsides if i was jelly he and i would be like three kinds of broken up from him hateflirtin w tezzie 2 beat the FUCKIN BAND  
TG: if im jelly or worried @ all its cuz i cant rly be too much involved there ~_~;  
TG: itd screw up the blackrom thang but like uuuuggghhh  
TG: i dn aaaaanyone to end up third wheel or fucked over or anything, tez or dave or kk or jade or me obvs, erryone should have a cool time  
TG: i know part of the reason they dn just bite the bullet on full hatedates is noone wants to hurt dave and hes not good w/quadrants x_x liek @ aaaaaallll  
TG: but the same time theres something important there i think??? bluh  
TG: & it feels like itd be easier to avoid probs if we could be closer friends or somethin & deal with this honestly???  
TG: all work 2gether on boundaries and shiz  
TG: also maaaaaaaaaybe im curious bout  
TG: lol nm *> 3>*;;;  
TG: NEWAY im sry i aint mean to go on a big lovelife tangent  
TT: Wait, you just sent it back?  
TT: What about the juju horseshit?  
TT: This fucking file has had me mired in juju horseshit all fucking night.  
TT: Like, knee deep in the juju gutter.  
TG: lololol i didnt notice it was a .jjf o_o  
TG: man that shouldve stayed on my hd then!  
TG: but nopes it peaced out back 2 u  
TG: we can try some madrigogs and see if it repeats?  
TT: …Sure, why not.  
TT: Go ahead.

tipsyGnostalgic is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
Downloading…  
Complete! 

TT: Huh. Okay, let me...

timaeusTestified is sending file: sUndryserpentineshenanigans.jjf  
Uploading…Complete!  
File sent.

TG: maybe its the voidy field?  
TG: all redistributin the info to get around juju rules  
TG: givin the finger to rules, riding hella rusty bikes around them honkin the horn  
TG: HONK HONK yo fuck you juju u aint in charge of me U AINT MY RL DAD  
TT: It could be.  
TT: The problem remains that I’ve been trying to get this thing back to Callie all night, so she doesn’t lose all her “works”, right?  
TT: In the process I’ve had to read a lot more of them than I wanted to, and, uh, learned some shit.  
TT: Also I managed to send them to Dave and Karkat, which has made me feel like a fuckin’ idiot moron.  
TG: oooomg lolololol  
TG: dumbshit why didnt you ask me for halp  
TG: you know how tight my hax are  
TG: hax so tight even sollux cant break em  
TG: like yo whos the one who gave you that sec architecture buster  
TG: you improved it sure but who base-coded that in ½ hours  
TG: (trick question mf’er, i did)  
TT: …Shit, let’s be honest, it’s been working for me tonight.  
TT: Kinda didn’t want to involve you. Not to be mean or anything, before you get mad! But uh...well...look.  
TT: I’m gonna ask you to do something you’re probably not supposed to do.  
TT: Go into “cadUceUs” there, scroll to the bottom of the subfolder, and just...open a random fic.  
TT: Read it a while. I’ll wait.  
TG: o my  
TG: the sauciest of sauces w/straight up most symbolism  
TG: ok found one  
TG: oh lol something bout taffy in the title  
TG: wait ohoho  
TG: ot3 alart? hahaha ;D  
TT: Like I said, just read it.

You wait about five minutes, then the window pings again. 

TG: o_________o  
TG: ho damn  
TG: i  
TG: so callies into  
TG: wowowow  
TG: i uh  
TG: u think this is srs interest here?  
TG: bc like...if so...  
TG: i mean, this could happen *>_>*;;;  
TG: well the one thing wed have to do some alchemiter bs for obvs reasons ie not naturally oviparous lol  
TG: but the other stuff i mean  
TG: if shes actually down  
TG: ehehehehe sorry tmi probprob  
TT: Nah, it’s cool.  
TT: I’m pretty goddamn sure it’s a serious interest, yeah.  
TT: Would John be okay with …all this?  
TG: ok here is a seeeeeecret or 2  
TG: i have caught him starin at callie’s butt on several occasions  
TG: or like checkin le greenness when we all go to teh beach  
TG: he tried to be all cagey but there is no escapin my wiles  
TG: & well he and me havent kept things 100% vanillas or nothin  
TG: sooooo i mean  
TG: u tell me  
TG: ;) *wonk*  
TT: Well. Tell you what.  
TT: How about I trust you to get this damn thing back to Callie, and handle this stuff?  
TT: And I write some words about the evil unicorn overlord who was always going to hatch from Neville Longbottom’s flesh shell/Ron Weasley’s torturous temporal curse?  
TG: this sounds like  
TG: a mfin plan in the main sir  
TT: Just try and be…  
TT: Nah. Fuck it. Just be you.  
TT: Oh. And tell Rose I have some required-viewing anime for her.

You switch out of the window, and let out a slightly shaky sigh. Click Terezi’s.

TT: …You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for.  
TT: Like I just had a legit Cassandra Experience here.  
TT: I very nearly opened this to declare unironic war, but then shit fell into place with an incredibly strict neatness.  
TT: So thanks.  
GC: 3H3H3H3  
GC: 1 DO TRY  
GC: 1… 4LMOST F3LT L1K3 1 SHOULD H4V3 S41D MOR3, L3T YOU KNOW *SOM3TH1NG*? >:[  
GC: 1 H4D TO FORC3 MYS3LF TO L1ST3N TO TH3 3M4N4T1ONS OF TH3 THOUGHT, THOUGH; OF CHO1C3, NOT MYS3LF, 4ND TH3 3M4N4T1ONS S41D TH3 L3SS YOU KN3W, TH3 B3TT3R  
GC: ST1LL  
GC: 1’M GL4D 1T WORK3D  
GC: 1 ST1LL WORRY 3V3N SM4LL CHO1C3S W1LL FUCK 3V3RYTH1NG UP, SOM3T1M3S, 4ND 1’M JUST M1SS1NG HOW OR NOT CONS1D3R1NG TH3 V4R14BL3S >X[  
GC: BUT BLUH BLUH TH4T 1S JUST M3 4ND BL1ND G1RL PROBL3MS HOUR >:P  
TT: If it helps, I kinda… know the feeling, a bit?  
TT: Or at least, I know what it’s like to have this strict handle on a situation, just be...mad certain of yourself, what you’re doing.  
TT: It sucks hard to have that ripped from under you, especially if it took a long time to get to that handle, and then to add insult to injury you usually end up learning losing that certainty was the point, somehow.  
TT: So, I mean, I empathize.  
TT: I’m not, like, intruding on the pale or anything saying that, am I?  
GC: PSH4W, N4H  
GC: 1T 1S N1C3 OF YOU TO S4Y, THOUGH  
GC: 4ND SOM3T1M3S 4 SH4R3D 3XP3R13NC3 C4N B3 MOR3 4 M4TT3R FOR FR13NDS TH4N ON3’S MO1R41L  
TT: Well, you ever want to talk about that kind of feeling, commiserate or work on it or whatever, I’m down.  
GC: ...HM, P3RH4PS  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 WOULD L1K3 TH4T, 4T SOM3 PO1NT  
GC: F41R W4RN1NG THOUGH, 1 *W1LL* LICK YOUR FACE >:O  
TT: I’ll prepare psychologically.

You feel a bit better. A bit calmer. Someone new messages you.

\-- (03:25) twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] ! --

TA: ii’ve fiinii2hed the alpha for what 2hould at lea2t be a decent workaround of her 2y2tem.  
TA: let her know what to expect when 2endiing people fiile2 iin term2 of rule2.  
TT: K. That should be pretty ideal, actually.  
TA: good 2 hear.  
TT: Thanks.  
TT: Woulda asked myself instead of deputizing Karkat, but had some shit to do.  
TA: hey, iit’2 cool.  
TA: ii’m ju2t gonna extract 2tandard ru2h pay of your hot water priiviilege2 AND your 2tupiid “raiinbow da2h” boxer2.  
TA: liike...2o.

There is a loud mechanical bang-groan from the basement, then the sound of steam leaking. You hop up to deal with it, and your dresser drawer opens--a red-blue glow pulls out your favorite boxers and they shoot out the window like a comet. 

That sonofabitch.

TT: You wanted a late night beatdown-style spar, Captor, just ask.  
TA: nah.  
TA: ii prefer iit 2pur of the moment. keep em gue22iing.  
TA: the tree, numbnut2, look at the tree.

Yep, there he is, your boxers in his hand, a cloud of throwing stars floating around him as he sits in the tree, smirking evilly at you. You crack your neck and get out the old UNBREAKABLE KATANA, your own lips quirking up a bit.

Well, you know what you’re doing before bed.

TT: Callie? I gotta run.  
TT: I hope Roxy got the file back to you.  
TT: There were some shenanigans.  
TT: Sorry again.  
TT: See you later.

\-- (03:28) timaeusTestified [TT]  is now an idle chum! --

UU: wait!  
UU: dammit!  
UU: @~@; dirk i’m qUite beside myself!  
UU: roxy says she stole the file from yoU, bUt that oUght to be impossible???  
UU: it seems almost a convenient fiction! a deUs ex machina! XU  
UU: i mean, i do have it back, so i’m not complaining aboUt that…  
UU: and, well, it didn’t get distribUted to bloody everyone, thanks be to the oUter gods ;~;…  
UU: bUt roxy *kissed* me on the cheek spirals and *wonked* at me and grinned mysterioUsly and i sUspect she knows certain SECRETS bUt isn’t at all Upset for some reason and i’m FLIPPING OUT JUST A SMIDGE XU;;;;  
UU: ooooohhhh!!! XU  
UU: i sUspect yoU had SOMETHING to do with this tUrn of events, sirrah. >:U i sUspect yoUr base hand in these apparent *shenanigans* which are afoot.  
UU: so i will have PICTURES of yoU in that finished mami cosplay, i think.  
UU: Unflattering ones, so there! >XU  
UU: hUmph!  
UU: …  
UU: i’ll talk to yoU to-morrow. uPu do take care!  
  
  
UU: (♦)  


\-- (03:30) uranianUmbra [UU] signed off.--

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I don't even know. This goddamn thing got away from me.
> 
> Started out as a sorta combination of two Homesmut prompts, http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40628.html?thread=47386804#cmt47386804 ++ http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40628.html?thread=47385524#cmt47385524, and then it ballooned into this self-indulgent gargbage pile because I'm trash. I don't really have an excuse. Calliope/John/Roxy and the JengaJam are just Things I Like bluh bluh. Sorry mom, sorry dad, sorry college.
> 
> Dirk's kind of a fun POV though. Also I surprised myself by suddenly shipping Dirk ♠ Sollux hard in the paint.
> 
> Maybe I'll prove myself an enormous goddamned pervert who would write vulgar smut about Calliope's dreams coming true later on. wooooo sequels
> 
> Also, yeah, "In This Foal And The Next" started out as Dirk and Callie doing a Pony Pals style edit on In This World And The Next. Then Dirk brought unicorns who live inside people into it, and, well.


End file.
